Let’s Get Down to Busyness: Navigating Career, Family, and the Fear of Doing It Wrong

These days…so. Much. BUSYNESS.

And is it enough? Is it ever enough? Can there be enough, or at least the feeling of enough?

Or too much…is it sometimes too much? Because sometimes it feels like way. Too. MUCH.

Are we doing it wrong if nothing ever feels easy? I know “they” say when you’re doing the right things, “it” will just flow, or it’s serendipity, and it’s meant to be, and it all just works out perfectly.

It ain’t flowin. It’s like walking on one of those old school stair stepper machines that has actual stairs that keep rotating. Once your foot hits the next step the damn thing falls and you just keep stepping, just keep stepping, just keep stepping. Faster now. Faster. Is it supposed to be easier? At least in some aspects? Fitness, finances, faith, family, friends, fun…is some of it supposed to be easy? Cause it ain’t easy. None of it.

Don’t misunderstand, I’m not complaining. I like being busy. We both prefer busy to bored.  Sometimes I just get scared that maybe we’re doing it wrong…that I’m in the wrong industry and will never be good at this, or I’m not spending enough time with my kid, or I’m disregarding my health too much, or I’m making my dogs feel neglected so they’re lashing out by peeing on my carpet.

The real fear here is driven by the time trade I’m making. I’m giving a minimum of 50 hours a week (sometimes a lot more) to trying be good in my career role. This is a significant trade off. I see my little guy for less than half an hour in the morning. Nights are hit or miss, sometimes I get an hour or two, usually 30-60 minutes with him.

This is compounded by the fact that Nick travels, so I’m doing this alone most days, which means those minutes are filled with tasks. I’m NOT saying poor me, I’m saying WHAT IF I’M NEVER IMPACT ANY LIVES IN THIS ROLE, AND I’M STEALING that time from my sweet baby? What if I try and try but never do very well, and I’ve given all that precious time to others, neglecting taking care of my home and my husband?  What if my dumb little dog keeps pissing on the carpet because of the neglect she’s feeling now? Seriously, that’s happening.

A little time in the morning, and a little time at night.

The time trade “what if’s” float around in my brain morning and night. And of course it’s easy to say then don’t choose a career so demanding, and you won’t have to worry.

Easy for someone ELSE to say.

I’m deeply driven, at my core, to learn, grow and be challenged in this way! I feel like half a person when I’m not challenging my brain and body like this on a daily basis. Never maxing myself out, never truly taxing my problem solving skills, and using my time and talents only for caring for my home and my boys, leaves me feeling empty. Some people are motivated to be homemakers and they play a beautiful, perfect part of their family and our community. That’s not me. For the same reasons I’m not interested in being a surgeon (the first science class alone would bore me to death), I’m not interested in being a homemaker. I am deeply passionate about excelling in a career arena, and I’m deeply motivated to get paid for that effort. Money can’t buy happiness…but it can by me a boat…………

And let’s just put that crap to bed. No, money can’t buy happiness, I know. But it can create memories of camping. Memories of taking motorhome trips to Portland to go school clothes shopping with your sisters and cousins, and getting $300 put in your hot little hand and feeling like you’d just won the lottery. It can create memories of going to basketball camps across the country. It can create the character and level of commitment required to play on competitive sports teams across the Pacific Northwest. It can create memories of 4H and FFA, and going to the National Convention in Louisville, KY for public speaking, and much, much, much more.

And, if you do it right, it can create time freedom in the future, so mom and dad can be a part of sports games, and chess tournaments, and science club adventures down the road. Money can do some really amazing things. So money matters, for the same reasons people say it doesn’t. Time.

But WHAT IF, after all these hours, I’m never any good, there’s never much money, so never any time freedom? What if, and then what? So much busyness. I hope we’re not doing it wrong.

Are there parts that are supposed to be easy?

Fitness? Nick and I have had long debates about how we can both get in a daily workout with our schedules. We’ve come down to…we could get up at 4:30-5am and work out in our living room...when Nick’s in town. He’s usually gone. So he can figure out a hotel workout, and I can figure out how to do cardio in my living room…without any jumping. Which is another story for another time.

Faith? This year my dedicated and hardworking husband decided to take on yet another commitment, on top of his demanding career and apprenticeship program, and he started RCIA. Saturday of Easter weekend he officially joined the Catholic Church, after MONTHS of going to class every Wednesday night. When Anson was so sick, and his wife was home falling apart, he was still going to class. When he traveled for work the days before, he was still coming home and making it to class. When he missed class he was calling the Deacon and meeting him on the weekends to catch up. I’m so, so proud of him for his effort! But truly EFFORT was involved! Faith, and religion…that’s not easy! It’s time and dedication and a constant reminder that you could do better. It’s fulfilling, rewarding and (in my mind) essential. But not easy.

Easy…why am I talking about easy? Easy is not fulfilling. Easy doesn’t build character. Easy doesn’t make you proud of your effort. Easy isn’t what life is all about. But I’m worried that easy is the sign that you’re doing things how you’re supposed to be doing them…are we doing it wrong if there’s zero easy?!? I pray not.

Life is short. I’ve seen firsthand how life can end up being way shorter than we think it will be. In fact, that very example is the person I would have gone to to ask, “Mom, is it supposed to be easier?! Are we doing this wrong?!” And if life was suddenly shortened on me, I don’t think I’d look back and wish it was all easy. I’d hope I’d made a difference and an impact. I’d hope I’d accomplished goals that made me proud and helped others in some way. I’d hope the things I did mattered. I most certainly would not wish it was all easy. I would just pray that it mattered.

Which is why the “what if’s” float around. Hard work now for a reward in the future means sacrifice. And I pray the sacrifices we’re making now are the RIGHT ones for us. I pray they end up paying off.

Anyone else? Does anyone else wonder about these things? I'm not talking about a fear of not being all things to all people, I'm not that disillusioned. I'm talking about a fear of not being the RIGHT things to the RIGHT people.

Visiting mom at work, and going for a cruise.

My 48 hours of free time this week were completely consumed by getting sick, and that sickness actually cut into the work time too, as I’m home sick today. The “what if’s” have REALLY been flying around these past 72 hours, as I realized that, holy crap, I don’t have TIME to be sick! If I want time with my baby boy, time with my husband, time with my dad and Dina (who just moved to Boise), time with my sisters, nephews, in-laws, and friends, time to unwind, if I want that time…I have to fit it all into 48 hours per week, and I don’t have TIME to be sick!

What if, though…

What if it turns out that I CAN be good in this career role? What if I enjoy the work and I CAN be good at it? What if it’s challenging and fun, and I can somehow keep the balls in the air, and I can be good at it?

What if it DOES lead to financial gain, and we plan ahead and work hard and it DOES lead to freedom in the future? What if the time we’re putting in now is multiplied ten times over, and allows us to give so much more to our family and friends in the future than we ever took from them today?

What if the financial sacrifices add up in the way we’re hoping? What if all the skipped parties, the vacations we just don’t schedule, and the new toys we don’t buy now, really do put us in the position to party, travel and play SO MUCH MORE in the future?

What if we just suck it up and work out at home, at the butt crack of dawn, and it DOES lead to better health, now and in the future?

What if none of it is supposed to be easy? What if we’re doing it right?

You just can’t know for sure, and you’ve got to do SOMETHING. Either way it’s a gamble. I guess I’d rather bet big, because what IS guaranteed is that you only get to play once. So let’s get down to busyness.