Tales of Pregnancy: Preparing for Motherhood Without Losing Myself

40 and a half weeks pregnant, just tapping my foot! Ironically, I have felt better in the last week and a half than I have in a very long time. I went through intense spells of not being able to walk and extreme pain, along with some other painful and frustrating symptoms that I won’t share on the Internet. Since reaching 39 weeks, besides the obvious discomforts of being very pregnant (a big baby in there that’s too strong to be on the inside, heartburn, etc), I’ve felt the best I have in the last nine months. I can only hope this baby doesn’t take my relative comfort as an invitation to stay put ANY longer!

I’m extremely fortunate to have a career that provides a lot of flexibility and even more fortunate to have a boss and company that’s supported me so deeply through this entire experience. And while I feel extremely blessed for those reasons and many more, that flexibility and support has started to lead to some intense clock watching. My company is working on one of their biggest events of the year this week, and of course I’m watching from afar. I’ve delegated all time sensitive projects, as I cannot promise availability, so I’m relegated to computer work. Tick tock.

Obviously I haven’t made any big social plans, so when I’m not working…tick tock.

My friends (three of them, in the last two weeks) keep having their babies, and I’m just over here like…tick tock.

I’ve always known that patience is one of my weakest attributes, so I should have known that God would use my pregnancy to help prepare me for the patience I’ll need for a baby OUTSIDE the womb!

All this tick-tocking has definitely led to some thinking time. I believe that reflection is a good thing most of the time, even if it is forced upon you (maybe especially if it’s forced upon you), and I hope that allowing these thoughts and emotions to play out inside my brain will lead to some level headed thinking and decision making in the future. The other night I had the opportunity to smile and say a goodbye that I didn’t expect or think about.

Nick and I have always wanted kids, and while we weren’t necessarily expecting this one when it came, it’s been a blessing in our world since day one (after I figured out it wasn’t the flu, that is). That doesn’t mean, however, that we’re not giving something up to transition to this next stage in our lives, and I had a little cry and smile over that “something”. Anyone that knows Nick and I well knows that our social life is pretty active and we’re constantly going. Beyond that, we’re kind of that annoying couple that likes to do everything together. Not on principle, just because we have a lot of fun together. We go when we want, where we want, and how we want. We’ve built a life that I truly LOVE, just him and I, together. And all the sudden that’s going to be over.

Don’t get me wrong—WE ARE SOOO STINKING EXCITING FOR WHAT’S NEXT! We’ve been eating, sleeping and breathing this baby for the last nine months and we feel deeply, deeply thankful to be able to have children. I can’t say that I know the love and joy a child brings until I’ve had mine, but I do know how richly we’ve been blessed by my four nephews, and can anticipate the beautiful ways our lives will grow and change. None of that, though, makes me blind to the great life that will slowly melt away. And I love that life. I am sad to see it go. And for that life, I shed a tear the other night. All with a smile on my face, because I know that you can’t steal second with one foot still on first, and I believe in my heart that the life we’re leaving behind will pale in comparison to the one coming.

Either way, I’m glad to have taken a minute to acknowledge and say goodbye to the life I worked really hard to create, and loved living.

And now we’re ready to say HELLO. To a new life, and a new little person; to a little piece of Nick and I combined! Even though I’m sitting in the 11^th hour of pregnancy, I still cannot comprehend it. What I’ve braced myself for is the medical end of it. I’ll experience a lot of pain and intensity, and will get through it, one way or another. But I can’t imagine the feeling of seeing OUR baby for the first time. I can’t imagine the feeling of taking him/her home with us and starting to provide a life for them. I just can’t, because I’ve never done it! But I do have some hopes for how it goes. And one hope I have is that I don’t allow my baby to become “my whole world.”

That’s right, I said I hope I DON’T allow that.

A quick disclaimer: If you are a parent that says or believes your child is your whole world, that’s perfect for you! I’m not judging you, and I’m not evaluating your choices or beliefs. I’m speaking solely for ME, my life, and from my heart.

I see and hear that expression a lot, with regard to children: “My whole world,” and it causes me to take pause most of the time. I know it’s meant as a positive. I think it’s amazing to watch parents love children so deeply when there are plenty of children out there without the love they deserve. At the outset of my parenting journey, though, I honestly hope that I don’t start to feel like my baby is my whole world.

My husband: He came first. I pledged my love to him in front of God and family and swore to support and love him forever. Through marriage he became my other half, one plus one equals ONE. Yes, he is capable of making his own lunch and washing his own clothes, so there will be plenty of times, I’m sure, where his needs are going to take a backseat. Backseat or not, I aspire to have the kind of marriage where he is still a large part of my world.

I aspire to continue to foster our bond, and become a better friend and wife to him. I only have so much of myself to give, and I’ve heard that children can completely empty that tank. I sincerely hope for the strength to save enough of me to always make my husband feel like he is a large, important and irreplaceable part of my world.

My family: How can I show my children the importance of a supportive and loving extended family if I’ve made my babies my whole world? The love I have for my family is deep and strong, and I pray that I will recognize the times when I need to put my children’s needs aside temporarily to be a daughter/daughter-in-law, sister/sister-in-law, or friend/relative. I know I can’t be everything to everyone all the time, so I truly hope that God grants me the wisdom to know when I’m needed as something besides a mother by the family that made me able to be a mother.

My career: I come from two parents that believed and lived “family first” in every sense of the words, but they busted their asses to have thriving careers, as well. I didn’t understand as a kid, but my parents careers allowed for the life we lived and loved. Their careers provided the camping trips, the basketball adventures, the school clothes shopping excursions and the birthday parties.

Their careers also provided them a sense of pride, accomplishment and achievement, and I am extremely thankful to come from parents who both possessed a sense of those things. They chose to be something besides “mom” or “dad,” they were also business owners, colleagues, and active and involved community members. They LIVED “work hard and play hard,” and I believe that is what provided the rich life we had. Words cannot express how thankful I am for that experience and example, and it is one of my deepest desires to provide that example for my children, too.

Because of that, I hope my world always has space for my career, in whatever form I feel best fits.

Other people, other stuff, other things and me: Friends. Church. A good workout. A good party. Voting and understanding the political climate enough to do so intelligently. A massage, pedicure or shopping trip to save my sanity.

I really believe that if I give EVERYTHING I have of myself to only one other cause, if I don't take care of all the parts and pieces, that I will ultimately have LESS to give. By allowing for a big, bright, beautiful world I'll have more love, more energy, more health, more patience, and more money to give. By creating a tunnel vision world, I'll have less to offer, less to give. The more, the more. I truly believe that.

And for those reasons, and others, it is my honest desire that I don’t make my baby “my whole world.” That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to GIVE my baby the whole world! But I pray for the strength to keep all the parts and pieces that I’m so blessed to have as a part of my world, while I’m learning how this new addition (and hopefully more to come, someday) will fit in.

I cannot wait to be a mom, and I hope I’m a good one! I had one of the greatest examples of a mother anyone could ask for, and my mom had a big, bright, FULL world. She certainly put her children at the center of it (ok, maybe her kids AND her dogs!) and lived her life for us in SO many ways. I can’t even contemplate the sacrifices she made for us. But through it all she possessed an identity outside of “Mom” that I deeply respect her for. That example has made me a stronger and more intelligent woman, I believe, and for that reason and many more, I aspire to have the strength to keep my world full!

And…these are the aspirations of a women who got enough sleep last night. A woman who does laundry only for herself and one other person. A woman who just recently complained of not having enough to do to pass the time. It’s easy to aspire when you’re that version of the woman. I know it won’t be easy, and I know I can’t anticipate how my heart and mind will change, let alone my schedule! I just truly hope that MY WHOLE WORLD will remain as colorful as it needs to for me to be the best version of myself, so I can GIVE the best and most of myself.

Come meet us, Baby! We can’t wait for the challenge of being great parents to you!!!