Overcoming Fear To Play Life Full Out

Anyone else grow up in a really competitive household? It wasn’t necessarily that we competed with each other (sometimes), but in general, it was a Type A atmosphere, and everyone moved through it with a competitive spirit. (Most of all my mom. She’d straight up quit board/card games if she wasn’t winning.😆)

That’s where I developed my taste for winning. From a really young age I began to value winning more than just about anything, because winning meant praise, and (in my little brain) praise equaled love. I remember being told many times, “Well that don’t get it done,” with regard to an effort (and excuse) that didn’t produce the desired result. (Ex: I was going to finish my homework, but it got too late.) There’s always the light and the shadow side of everything. The, “That don’t get it done,” mantra I heard so often and internalized as a kid has served me extremely well in life in many ways, but my young mind made a meaning of it before I was old enough to question my conclusion:

Producing any result other than WINNING was complete failure; Unacceptable and unlovable.

So, not surprisingly, I got pretty scared to fail. I learned to deal with that fear in a truly tragic way: I wouldn’t attempt anything if I didn’t know I could “win.” If I suspected I couldn’t win, or believed I couldn’t control everything that impacted the outcome, I wouldn’t try. Don’t show up at all, or show up and give zero effort. The logic went, if I wasn’t trying, then I couldn’t fail (and risk being unlovable).  

As a young person, I still got good grades, did well in sports, and achieved various awards in writing, speaking, etc. My innate talent got me by, and served me well enough. I never struggled to find a job, and mostly was able to achieve whatever I went for, as long as I made sure to set the target low enough to guarantee reaching it. I never struggled because if I would have been made to struggle, I would have walked away to the next thing. Struggle means a chance of failure, and I couldn’t risk that.

To be clear, I don’t believe in trophies for everyone just for trying. I don’t believe in first place ribbons for everyone who enters a contest, because that’s not how life works, either. I don’t believe in telling everyone they’re all equal, because they’re not, and that’s a disservice.

But I do believe in creating metrics for your life that measure more than just outcomes and results. I do believe in recognizing and prizing effort, progress, growth, and SHOWING UP FULLY, regardless of the outcome.  What would life look like if we defined failure as, “Participating without playing full out?” How might that change the way we showed up in every area of our lives? How might that change the way we felt about the journey?

Coming to understand how the programming that Little Me created had left me deeply afraid to fail as an adult offered me massive insight on what was necessary for me to grow into the woman I’m meant to be, and to level up in the ways that matter to me.

Perhaps parts of this (or all of it) land(s) for you, too? The daily (hourly?) question for us becomes: Am I playing full out right now, or am I holding back because I’m afraid I’ll ‘fail’ if I really go for it…”

…in that social media post?

…in that meeting with your boss or coworkers?

…in that pitch?

…in that video?

…in setting that ____ goal?

…in that application, or interview?

…in the way I’m showing up in _____?

I love to win. I freaking love to win. 😅 I always have and I always will. It has served me well in so many ways throughout my life. My massive opportunity, now, is to move forward with that same hunger, and an understanding that going for the big “wins” I’m called to pursue in life means I’ll fail, fall, and fumble a lot. I can (should?) show up to “the game” knowing that if I play full out, at some point I’m going to look stupid, fall on my face, be in ‘last place,’ waste some (or a lot) of money, get laughed at, and struggle out loud.

That’s the choice point. What meaning do I make? Is it all part of the game, or is that the end of the game; The outcome, the result?

What would life look like if we defined failure as, “Participating without playing full out?” How might that change the way we showed up in every area of our lives? How might that change the way we felt about the journey?

Only when you show up and play life full out can you feel the greatest kind of victory; The hard-earned kind of success that can only be felt by those who were willing to risk failure to create it.

It’s just another kind of both / and. We’re allowed to believe that winning matters, AND that “losing” is an expected and necessary part of the game. Yes, to both. Those that choose to light the world on fire with their passion and action don’t “win” every time. But because they dared to give everything they had, when they do when, it’s beautiful, and spectacular, and intensely gratifying. 

I hope you find something in this that encourages you to start playing life full out. Drop me a message if I can support you in that.