And Then There Were...Still 3: Reflections on Loss, Faith, and Finding Strength After Miscarriage

The longer I’m on this plant the more amazed I am at the number of experiences that come into our lives—so frequently for us all, it seems—that are utterly and deeply humbling. We experience challenge, loss, pain or hardship at whatever level WE’RE at, not at the level of the challenge. One person might suddenly lose their career and feel stunned yet motivated to recreate themselves, while another might experience the exact same thing and spend months wallowing in self-pity, wondering WHY them?!

I’ve been on both sides of that line—I’ve handled life’s surprises in ways I’m proud of and in ways I am most assuredly not. I believe without a doubt that the details of the particular challenge or loss don’t matter much. The person doing the experiencing is THE variable. How you choose to process, make meaning, and move forward is what shapes your life. Not the circumstances that come your way.

Nick and I recently had one of those deeply humbling experiences, and I’m mostly proud of how we processed though it—both ultimately leaning on our faith in God’s plan for our lives. But the minute by minute is so revealing of the areas where we have the opportunity to grow stronger and be better.

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We sat in the kitchen having breakfast mostly silently. Every time Nick tried to send over a volley of conversation I’d either catch the ball, set it down and walk away, or catch the ball and spike it back in his face. I don’t know what he said that finally set me off (probably “Can you pass the butter," or something hurtful like that), but I was lost into a sea of uncontrollable tears and anger completely unrelated to what he’d said, sending all my rage down upon him. He wasn’t sure what to say back to me, so he just kind of sat there.

He had to leave for work, so he left me at home alone (baby was still sleeping) in my puddle of tears and explosiveness. I lovehate reflecting on and processing those experiences, because I know that I allowed the weakest version of the person I am to take control, which I hate. But I love identifying the weakness-of-character moments, because that is the first step toward growing from them.

After I had time to process, I sent him this *text, to try to explain why I was so undeservingly harsh with him. Frankly, I didn’t even know, but I was aware of having been recently humbled by life and feeling out of control; which is no excuse. I was aware that my best friend and biggest ally, my counterpart in this, did NOT deserve my wrath, and I wanted him to know I was still definitely on his team, and that my actions didn’t feel appropriate to me, either.

*While it’s technically called a "text," due to the medium of the message delivery, it was really a letter…or book. Maybe a book. There are slight edits in parentheses to avoid details that are too over the top.

“I looked it up, and yes, it’s absolutely a very common thing. It’s not emotions or not being able to come to grips with things. It’s fully chemically driven mood swings. I know that the extremes of what I’m feeling isn’t based in reality, but I don’t feel it any less than if it was. I’m experiencing physical discomfort and severe (symptoms). It’s hard to put something behind you when you spend the day cleaning up (after it). I’m not saying poor me, I’m just trying to explain where I’m coming from.

The biggest and hardest parts are probably chemically driven, but also very real and emotional, too. I’m feeling really lost. I wrapped my mind around becoming a second time mommy, and all the sudden that was taken away. Even though it was a short pregnancy, I had mentally prepared for what was to come. I had mentally turned down the drinking events throughout the summer, and mentally committed to preparing Anson. I was very excited to see him be a big brother.

I feel a strong feeling of not knowing what to do next. I go back and forth almost hourly. Do we want to move forward as a family of three and focus on us for now? Do things like going to concerts, going on vacation, pouring into career, focusing on our growth, and using our financial resources for those things?

…or…

Do we want to try again? Do we want to start trying to have those things I was mentally preparing for? Losing the pregnancy has me doubting if this is the right time in our life, and seeing all the reasons why we could wait. Losing this pregnancy has me seriously doubting and considering if I really want 3-4 children. Losing this pregnancy has me wondering, maybe I only want one child, maybe I’m trying to use children to fulfill something, or as a goal, maybe…?

It also has me feeling much too old to have 3-4 children. It has me thinking maybe I only have the time and health to have one more. And all that in itself feels like a loss.

I feel unsure and upset and would like to focus on this and work though it…but happen to be launching a business. And as I process all this my hormones, which translate to emotions, are going up and down and left and right without my taking them there or willingness to participate.

This morning I feel sad clear to my bones, and as the tears pour down I really have no idea why. I feel out of control of my mind and my body, and unsure of where my life is heading. I do not know what I need to feel emotionally strong and solid again, because these feelings aren’t just rooted in choices and decisions and loss, they are also rooted in chemicals and bodily processes I have zero control over.

I’m not asking for sympathy from you, or “I’m so sorry,” I’m just trying to explain how I’m feeling and what’s going on. I’ve never experienced emotions this strongly that I couldn’t rationally and logically explain. My heart hurts for the loss—for the vision I had already come to know, understand and love, the vision of being a mommy of two babies, of watching you be a daddy to two babies, and of watching Anson become a big brother. I also feel intense emotion and sadness beyond what I can understand and explain. And THAT is the part that comes and goes on a whim, causes the tears and depression, causes the snaps of anger and pushback.

I feel frustrated with myself for feeling so much loss when I was only 5 weeks. I know that rationally you hear that and want to explain it away, but that is the person I am. I expect of myself an ability to not overindulge in sadness for the sake of emotion or attention.

I’m feeling confused, sad and emotionally unbalanced, which equals out of control of my body and mind, which is my personal worst enemy. I know God is in control of my circumstances, but it is my job to govern my body and mind. And today I feel out of control of those things and that is very frustrating to me. And the frustration is piggybacking on the chemical processes and emotions, and leaving me in rough shape today.”

Baby number two was not meant to be for our little family at this time. Asking why or why not isn’t the question; truly, only God gets to know why. But asking how or why you processed the way you did is, to my mind, incredibly important, and this challenge revealed huge opportunities for me to grow. I HATE that in times of intense emotion I turned on Nick. I hate that all that was inside me didn’t come out in words of explanation before it came out in words of division and rage.

I think of what my mom and dad went through in their moments of humbling, Alexis having a bone tumor and being millimeters from leg amputation, Anjela drowning, coming back to life and being reborn at age 4, and then Mom’s cancer battle. There are no shortage of humbling moments in life. I fear the idea of not being a mentally strong enough person to lead with LOVE in those moments. So I am thankful for this experience of loss, to allow me to open up my mind up to learning how I can grow in the ways I need to to be a pillar of strength and comfort for my family in the times God calls me to be.

I also find it interesting that my vision of the family I intended to have is now up in the air. One part of me thinks that’s because I am so happy and appreciative of what I already have that I know that if THIS was it, THIS would be MORE than enough! But I also wonder if it’s simply having my vision shaken to the core, and being afraid to believe in it again fully and completely for fear that it could be turned upside down again, and I could experience those same feelings of loss. For now we’re open to just moving on and not making any decisions, but I do think it’s an important note for me to reflect back on at some point.

So, as I said, life has once again been deeply humbling in our household. I share the experience for a couple reasons. One is that I was very shocked at what miscarriage meant, both physically and emotionally, so I share it to say: if you someday experience that, just know that you’re not alone in feeling crazy, sad, awful, out of control, confused and frustrated. It, too, shall pass.

And I also share to pass the message that if you’re in the middle of anything challenging or painful, try to remember that there are huge opportunities within it. Not just for you, but for everyone around you. There is absolutely a greater good in EVERYthing that happens to us. It is up to us to choose to find it, or be victims of our circumstance. Everyone is facing humbling moments every single day. What shapes our lives are not our circumstances, it’s how we choose to process them. Take heart that the depth of your pain was put into your life to make you stronger, and that the pain you’re feeling was meant to make you the kind of person that could possibly help another with pain that big. Your pain DOES matter, but YOU have to let it.