The Mirror: Understanding How Others Reflect Their Fears onto Your Dreams and Goals

Do you watch sports? Even if you don't, I think you'll know what I'm talking about here. You know how, during every sports game broadcast on TV, when a player makes an error, or a coach calls a play that ends up not working out, a bunch of the people at home watching on their couches start cursing the decision, and ranting about how stupid it was?

Suddenly everyone with a TV is the best coach or quarterback on the planet, and could have done it better than the guys/gals on TV. You know, the ones paid millions of bucks to play a game because they’re the best in the world at that game? Yeah, everyone at home ranting about the stupidity of the call or play would have done it better than those guys.

You know what I’m talking about?!?

Your goals, hopes, and dreams work like that too, and your family, friends, and colleagues are like those sports fans. Even the ones who love you dearly (committed fans) are only able to support you in reaching for what seems like a good call -- possible, logical, and available --  to them. After that, every stumble, every obstacle, every time you fail or fall, comes with a well-meaning, “Of course you fell, that was a stupid call/play!”

When I was early in my journey of a life committed to creating big goals and dreams -- creating the impact, income + lifestyle I craved -- I naively assumed that anyone I shared my goals and intentions with would be my cheerleader. I was outspoken about the level of success I wanted to create, and would share my hopes and dreams with anyone and everyone.

“This is what I want to do/be/have! Awesome, right?!”

Time, after time, after time, people I loved, who loved me, people who were genuinely well-intentioned, shot down my targets. Some directly, some more subtly, but with very few exceptions, the message was some version of: You can’t do that, because that’s too big, too hard, too much, too ambitious, not possible, not realistic, unlikely, selfish, crazy, stupid.

Ouch.

I’d love to say I got it right away, but it was years before I stopped putting my hand on that hot stove. It stung (and sometimes a lot more than that) so badly because I thought it was about me, and my dreams. It was years before I learned this incredibly valuable truth:

Their responses weren’t about me, they were about them.

Their responses were about the realities they lived in, the limits they perceived as truth, and what was and wasn’t possible in their minds. It wasn’t about me. It wasn’t about my dreams. It was about them, and about their dreams, especially the ones they didn’t bring to life.

The people around you can support you in pursing your big goals and dreams only to the extent that they believe that level of success is (or has been) possible and available for them.

If what you desire to create doesn’t feel possible and available to them, when you share your goal or intention it’s as if you’re telling them, “I’m going to Hogwarts to learn to become invisible and fly around.” They’ll either sharply tell you that’s not possible, laugh at you for being ridiculous, or blow you off entirely. Because to them, in their minds, it genuinely ISN’T possible. They’re not attacking you, or your vision, or your dreams. They’re simply sharing their truth with you, the facts, as they see them. And, the one's that love you and care about you most just might be trying to save you from experiencing the pain they experienced when they set a big goal...and didn't reach it. 

The mirror

When you share your dreams you’re holding up a mirror for the person you’re sharing them with, and the feedback you get back isn’t about you, it’s about what they see in the mirror you’re holding up. What many (most?) people see in that mirror is a tangled ball of fears, doubts, and unprocessed past ‘failures,’ ready to be thrust out as ‘wisdom.’ They can, and many will, project their fears, doubts, and past failures onto you, and your dreams.

Playing life full out, going for your big goals and dreams, is wildly exciting, fun, and fulfilling, but it’s also sometimes scary, intimidating, or just plain hard. You may not always be up for taking on the added challenge of convincing everyone around you that big things are possible (for you, for them, for everyone), and that’s ok. You’re allowed to opt out of that additional challenge.

Set boundaries on who you share your visions, dreams, goals, and intentions with

How do you decide when and where to set boundaries on who you share your dreams with? There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, and please know, like really know, that it has nothing to do with who you love, and who loves you in return. It’s a continual act of discernment, being willing to mindfully ask yourself whether or not the person you’re considering sharing with is willing and able to offer you a supportive reply. How can you know? Here’s a good starting place:

• Are they also ambitiously pursuing big goals and dreams, and sharing their journey with you?
• Have they created what you desire to create? Is their life a reflection of the dreams you’re intending to bring to life? Is their reality one you’d like to live in?
• Do they have a history of genuinely supporting you in pursing big goals and dreams, or supporting others pursing big goals and dreams? (Hint: What do they say about people that aren't in the room?)

If the answer to any of the above doesn't align, give yourself permission to share a less vulnerable version of your truth with them. Give yourself permission to use discernment. You don’t owe it to anyone to offer up your dreams and desires for discussion. You don’t owe the most precious parts of yourself to others, and there are other parts of your journey and experience that you can choose to share, instead. You can choose to still connect, but over a different part of your journey and story.

A note on, "speaking it to life," AKA manifesting

Part of why I was such a slow learner with this particular lesson is because I thought I was supposed to shout my intentions from the rooftops, in the name of, “speaking it to life,” and manifesting it. I thought I had to speak my dreams, desires, goals, and intentions out loud, to convey to the universe that I believed it was possible for me. If manifestation is important to you, understand that the energy behind your words matters more than the words themselves, and quiet belief is far more powerful than loud uncertainty. All I was doing when I openly shared without using discernment was creating defensiveness and judgement, not certainty and energetic alignment. 

Playing bigger

It’s not hiding, shrinking back, or playing small to choose not to share some parts of yourself with everyone. That was the reason I kept setting myself up for the same disappointment, those same feelings of shame and rejection, over and over again. I thought it meant I was playing small if I didn’t claim my target or intention in detail to everyone I spoke to about what I was up to. What I learned (the hard way) is that protecting your dreams isn’t playing small, it’s having the courage to believe that one day soon your dream will start speaking for itself. That's the real flex. That's playing bigger. 

Need a safe space to share your dreams, desires, intentions, and wins? You’re in the right place, friend. Connect with me on social - @alirspicer - and subscribe here on the blog.

KEEP SHOWING UP. I’m cheering for you!